wen reality bies..it sure stings!!

"u deserve the best.."

4 damn painful words i got to hear from a long lost friend..but it has awoken in me a feeling i thought i have outgrown..the old me, who, whatever the circumstances are, always puts herself first..i know it sounds damn right selfish..but i guess, in this place and time, people shouldn't be judging you for putting your self first..i wonder what took me so long to realize this..

so goodbye weary heart..

to hell with unhealthy relationships..

i am not gonna succumb to pity again..to endless crying spells..to meaningless words..

and someday..someday..i will say hello again..to someone much much more deserving of my selflessness..

tsk..tsk..

i have a confession to make..

well, it is a bit hard for me..but i guess there is no better time than the here and now..it's just that the future seems a bit distant..bleak..and somehow a little too much to handle..i am starting to get scared because, for the very first time in my 27 years on earth, i can't see it clearly..

my life has been a lot different..well, i am a bit different..i don't know but when i try to look back, i was the careful thinker and planner..i was always at the safe side..so i would always plan out carefully what my life would be like..and even if i changed course a bit too much, i always managed to come out on top of my league..because i know exactly where i am going..but, i guess, not anymore..

i am kind of stuck right now..i have in front of me two winding roads..both dark and tempting..and i hate myself for not having the courage i need to make a choice..well, i still know what i want..i still want to believe i am getting there..but i felt odd..the same feeling u have when you go for something that has been programmed in your mind for so long and then BOOOOMMM!!! all of a sudden it feels so wrong and then now your not even sure you are doing the right thing..i feel so much like a mess..

what i need right now is a strong gut feeling that it can overpower the ever so careful me..i just hate compromises! but at the same i wanna love 'em, too, you know.. i just don't understand me at all..so much for my 20 something dilemma..or is this already the midlife crisis?..i'd go figure!